When bad habits show up in good people

A book about the 4 second rule. The ability to perform the “four-second rule” or take a “freedom break,” as psychologist Viktor Frankl called it, is well described in Peter Bregman’s book “The Four-Second Rule.” Stop. Think about it. Do it." The ability to take a 4-second pause will help you communicate and gain control over your habits.

Book about the 4 second rule: Peter Bregman

The book “The Four Second Rule” was published in 2015 by the publishing house MIF, with which it has long and successfully collaborated, and immediately hit the bestseller shelf.

Short 4 second rule from the book by Peter Bregman says: Stop-Think-Do.

Book cover about the four second rule

And the first chapter of the book reads: “4 seconds. Pause. Inhale. Change of course."

Below I will illustrate with examples what this rule means in controlling habits and in relationships, but for now let me tell you the secret of how I know about this rule.

The 4 Second Rule Book: The Four Second Rule and the Freedom Pause

In short, we can say that it is life itself. And in more detail, the author who noticed that very free and self-confident people take such a pause of 3-4 seconds before making a decision is Viktor Frankl, a psychologist who suffered the horrors of a concentration camp in his youth.

Viktor Frankl noticed that in a concentration camp some people quickly turn into animals and stop thinking freely. Other people, on the contrary, are very free in thoughts and actions despite threats and dangers to their lives.
For example, when the Nazis shouted to the prisoners “Lie down!” and pointed the muzzles of machine guns at them, most people immediately fell on their faces and covered their heads with their hands. But there were also those who seemed to “hang” for a few seconds and only after that lay down on the ground.
When Victor asked them what they were doing in these pauses, in these 4 seconds, risking their lives, he learned that in these moments these free people They ask themselves mentally whether they choose to fall or remain standing. And they chose to fall because they really valued the freedom that life gives them.

Viktor Frankl later called such a pause to realize his choice a “pause of freedom,” and Peter Bregman “the four-second rule.” You won’t find this story in the book, but I’m sure that’s how it happened.

The 4 second rule in communication: an example from the book

The book has 3 parts. The first is about acquiring the skill to change the automatic settings of your brain and behavior (habits). The second is about applying the four-second rule to improving relationships. The third is about optimizing work habits.

Take a 4 second freedom break when communicating

Here are brief subtitles from the book illustrating The essence of the four second rule from Peter Bregman's book on relationships and communication:

Let people see who you are
Don't let the packaging distract you from the content
Allow yourself to see other people as a source of inspiration.
Don't be so quick to write people off
Don't get involved in an argument
Better admit your guilt
Learn to put yourself in someone else's shoes
Become a brilliant receiver
Read between the lines
Give recognition
Appeal to human generosity
Set boundaries
Ask questions, don't get into fights

As you can see, the subtitles of the book themselves already speak volumes.

How not to be distracted by packaging in communication: the 4-second rule

Be careful. Every time you experience negative emotions: offended or angry, and because of what was said or written to you, you are most likely distracted by the packaging. If you feel: anger, sadness, frustration, distrust or irritation: know that it is time to take the second step.
Take a break. Take a deep breath and exhale. Now admit that you tend to react to things How information is provided. Remind yourself that communication is complex and often challenging. Cut yourself and others some slack. Don't try to discern malicious intent. Don't take things personally. Suppress the urge to be offended.
Rethink. Re-read what you wrote again or remember everything that was said to you - and decipher it. Think that person tried to convey to you. Look for valuable information. Seek to understand the essence of the message.
Answer. A proven way to respond is by using a different message channel. If you are rude via SMS, never send a reply message.
General rule: Let the rudeness pass by. Try to understand and respond to the essence of the message.

Author of the book: Peter Bregman

Book The Four Second Rule (Peter Bregman) - MYTH - download

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Write in the comments , how you could apply the four-second rule in your communications at home and at work. Give examples from life.

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Peter Bregman

Four Seconds

All the Time You Need to Stop Counter-Productive Habits and Get the Results You Want

Published with permission from Levine Greenberg Rostan Literary Agency and Synopsis Literary Agency

Legal support for the publishing house is provided by law firm"Vegas-Lex".

* * *

This book is well complemented by:

Mark Williams, Denny Penman

M.J. Ryan

Dedicated to my parents.

Thank you for your love, faith and support.

I love you.

Introduction

I was walking along 48th Street in Midtown when a well-dressed man in an expensive suit, polished shoes, impeccable haircut and a leather briefcase passed me. Then I saw him turn his head and spit out the gum.

I watched the path of the chewing gum so as not to step on it. The lump flew about a meter away from me, hit a tree and bounced back onto the sidewalk, landing right where the man stepped the next second. He continued on his way, not even noticing that his own bright blue gum was stuck to his own sole.

I laughed.

And then I started thinking. How often do we all do something like this? How often do we do something thinking we're acting in our best interests, but end up with gum stuck to our soles? How often does our behavior have the opposite effect?

Sometimes the possible negative consequences of our actions lie on the surface - and then they are easy to avoid. I recently heard a story about a man who held a high position in a bank on Wall Street. Like the bank, he managed large borrowed sums - and bought an apartment that he could not afford. Having learned that he would not receive a bonus in the amount expected, he began to shout, curse and curse his boss in front of his colleagues. Now he has no bonuses and no work.

Other times, our self-harm takes a less extreme form—like the time I was late for dinner with my wife, Eleanor. We agreed to meet in a cafe at seven in the evening, and the clock already showed half past seven. I felt guilty, but I couldn't get out of the long meeting with the client. Arriving at the place, I apologized and said that this did not happen on purpose.

"You're always late not on purpose", answered Eleanor.

In a word, she was furious.

“Sorry, dear,” I said, “but nothing depended on me.”

I explained why I was late, described everything in detail - perhaps exaggerating slightly to convey the importance and inevitability of the meeting.

But instead of calming my wife down, I only made the situation worse. Now she was angry And annoyed.

Which, in turn, caused my righteous anger. “Look,” I said, “actually, I work like hell.”

As we exchanged remarks, the situation became worse. But we wanted the same thing - to have a good time at dinner. But knee-jerk reactions created a chasm between us, and we ended up becoming angry and distant from each other - contrary to our plans.

The culprit of what happened was the unproductive reactions that we resorted to automatically.

Detailed explanations became my automatic reaction to my own tardiness. Eleanor automatically responded with impatience. My automatic reaction to her impatience was anger. During the argument, we both unconsciously obeyed the instinctive script, no matter how ineffective it was.

Of course, I'm completely didn't intend quarrel with Eleanor. On the contrary, I began to explain the reason for being late, so as not to start a fight. But in the end, my intentions alone meant little. What was more important was how my actions—that is, my excuses—affected Eleanor. As it turned out, so-so. I basically spat out my gum and stepped on it myself.

When bad habits show up in good people

The basic goods we desire are fulfilling relationships; achievements to be proud of; visible success at work; the opportunity to be useful to others; Harmony with yourself is something that is surprisingly easy to achieve. But most of the time, our best efforts are based on habits that, to put it simply, don't work.

When we're overwhelmed and overwhelmed by a bloating to-do list, we automatically start working even longer and squeezing even more things into our existing work hours. We practice multitasking, rush from one meeting to another, secretly check email under the table in the meeting room, start working early in the morning and finish only at night. Our goal is to reduce stress and workload. But doing so has the exact opposite effect: we experience even more stress and are overloaded.

Or we say things that we think will impress others, but in reality only cause rejection. We try to cheer up our friend, but for some reason we upset him even more. We give an inspiring speech to our team, but somehow we just dampen our enthusiasm.

Every time we do this we are shocked. "What happened?"- we are perplexed. As a result, we spend long days trying to fix what we broke with our automatic reactions. We spend countless hours and a lot of energy thinking about the words we have spoken; discussing your behavior with others; drawing up a plan for further action - and sometimes we get to the toilet in a roundabout way, just to avoid running into someone we reluctantly offended in the waiting room.

Four seconds to a good habit

But there is good news: solving the problem is not that difficult. Basically, all you need is four seconds. Four seconds is enough time to inhale and exhale. This short pause is enough to see your mistake and make small adjustments.

And I do mean small adjustments. The alternative responses I will suggest in the following pages are delightfully simple. They give you what you want without making you waste your time. These are ways of thinking, speaking and acting - that is, ways of living - that are much simpler than the old ones and much more effective. They require less time and energy. They help you achieve super-productivity - without super-effort.

In the book “18 minutes. How to increase your concentration, stop being distracted and get things done that really matter”, I talked about how to focus and build every day of your life around what is truly valuable. I encouraged you to be strategic and purposeful in What you do.

In this book, I'll show you how to think strategically and be purposeful—at the speed of light—in How you do what you do. 18 Minutes helps you focus on the right things. Four seconds will help you get the most out of this focus.

By the way, it is not enough to succeed in managing your time - it is important to succeed in spending it wisely. That, How you act for This time determines your success: how you think, how you build relationships with others, how you speak and behave at work and among loved ones. Your goal is not to survive by being constantly busy, but to thrive in the endeavors and relationships that matter most to you.

You'll learn to replace unproductive automatic reactions that drain your time and energy with new habits that save time, empower you, and make you productive. You will discover new ways to live, work and communicate in this crazy world, getting the results you want and the peace of mind.

The Birth of a New Habit

That time I was late, what could I have done differently to enjoy the precious time with Eleanor instead of being confrontational? I could give myself four seconds—enough to take a deep breath, to pause, to reset my perception—and then resist the urge to explain myself and instead acknowledge what my wife felt as she waited for me:

“Sorry for being late. You sat here for almost half an hour - and it’s terrible. I know this is not the first time. I realize it sounds like I think meeting a client gives me the right to be late. It's disrespectful of your time. I’m so sorry you had to wait so long.”

Easier said than done. My gut, instinctive, automatic reaction is to rationalize my tardiness, not my wife's feelings. It helps to me feel better: like, I’m not such an asshole, since I have a good reason. But the intuitive reaction is counterproductive. Although she makes me feel better, Eleanor, who was waiting for me, feels even worse. It turns out that the reason for my lateness, whatever it may be, is more important than my wife. And now our evening is ruined - although we didn’t even understand how it happened.

On the other hand, not explaining and acknowledging how my tardiness affected Eleanor—that is, not being intuitive—makes my wife feel better. This happens because she feels my attention. So I admit that there can be no good reason for my being late. And now our evening is saved.

Thus a new habit was born. Now, when I'm late, my new automatic reaction is still to apologize, but I no longer give reasons - or make excuses. I admit what it was like for the one who was waiting for me.

The new habit has an additional bonus: I am late much less often. After voicing how my tardiness affected Eleanor, I wanted to change. I don't want to be disrespectful of her time or anyone else's time. And I don't want to upset my wife or anyone else. When I admitted out loud what my tardiness cost her, I was able to look at myself differently. In other words, my new automatic response to my own tardiness improved not only my relationship with Eleanor, but also my behavior.

Such is the power of a productive habit.

But changing habits is not easy. After all, automatic reactions are intuitive. Behavior that seems natural is difficult to break. Even if such habits serve a bad purpose, we resort to them without thinking. This is what we do in the heat of the moment. Just knowing about a new effective automatic response is half the battle. The other half is to resort to it under stress. I wrote Four Seconds to help you master both.

In Part 1, Changing Your Automatic Settings, you will learn how to gain control over your behavior in the short and long term and how to manage your impulsive reactions and impulses. This will help you get closer to your goals, find peace and harmony and become happier.

The second part, “Strengthen Your Relationships,” will help you better cope with difficult emotions, both yours and those around you. You'll learn to respond productively to difficult conversations and situations and build strong connections with those around you.

With Part Three, Optimize Your Work Habits, you will learn to work and manage with courage, naturalness, and efficiency to inspire, inspire, and inspire commitment and responsibility in those who work with you. You will put an end to any situations that cause alienation between colleagues or provoke disagreement. Self-motivation, positive thinking and mutual support will appear in your company.

I hope Four Seconds will help you break self-destructive habits. Your unproductive impulses will likely persist, but I believe the tips you'll find in the following pages will help you gain control over them and establish new habits—ones that support your true interests and allow you to achieve what you want. The amount of time you'll save by making better choices and the positive impact you'll have on your life, relationships, and work is immeasurable.

I can only assume that the man never noticed the gum stuck to his sole. He may still be leaving a bright blue trail behind him. But you don't have to do the same.

Part one
Change automatic settings

It was not easy to sit down at a desk. The obstacles were by no means physical - I was definitely capable sit down and start writing. Obstacles, as in most cases when something prevents us from achieving our most important goals, sat in my mind.

I was busy, up to my neck in urgent matters - so the thought of writing seemed almost crazy. Writing can make you want to take time off even in more favorable conditions, but that morning I was on edge and worried about a problem with a client - both of which are not at all like the calm, measured environment that is necessary in order to write.

But, against all odds, I finally got down to business.

As soon as I wrote the first sentence, the door swung open and my daughter Sofia, who was seven years old at the time, flew into the room.

“The kitchen is flooded! – she blurted out. - Help!

What? As it turned out, five-year-old Daniel poured water into a glass and did not bother to turn off the tap. Wow.

I automatically wanted to yell at both of them. I literally felt my muscles tense, sending a wave of anger through my entire body. At that moment, such a reaction seemed appropriate and justified.

But I took a break, taking a deep breath. Four seconds.

This breath turned out to be the most serious effort I had to make that day. Of course, breathing itself does not cause difficulties. But stopping for a few seconds to breathe in the midst of raging emotions - when you are irritated, angry, tired and worried... is not an easy task.

These four seconds—and the composure it requires—are the first step toward overthrowing unproductive automatic reactions. The first step is to make the smartest choice at some point.

In the first part of the book, you will learn to slow down—see the gap between feeling and action—and make wise decisions that will lead to the desired outcome. The second part is devoted to how to create this gap, fix it and observe what happens in it. But, more importantly, the book will help you quit the bad mental habits that are holding you back and replace them with new, productive ones.

You will open:

How to overcome an impulse by paying attention to it;

Why setting goals prevents you from succeeding;

How not to obsess in order to regain your concentration and willpower;

How doing nothing can solve the most difficult problems and

Why not O Most of our stress is caused by events that have minimal consequences; and how changing your expectations - rather than the reality around you - can be the key to success.

I hope that my advice will help you control your impulses and impulses and develop mental habits that will make your life more productive, calm and harmonious.

1
Four seconds
Pause. Inhale. Change of course

That morning, as I always do in the morning, I sat on a pillow on the floor, crossed my legs, put my hands on my knees, closed my eyes and breathed for twenty minutes - and nothing more.

They say the hardest thing about meditation is finding time for it. And this makes sense. Who has time to do nothing these days? It is difficult to justify such an activity.

Meditation provides many benefits: it renews, helps us understand what is happening to us, makes us wiser and calmer, helps us not to go crazy in a world that feeds us with information and connections, and much more. If you are missing economic justification to dedicate time to meditation, how about this: Meditation makes you more productive.

How? Strengthening your ability to resist distracting impulses.

Research shows that resisting impulses improves relationships, improves trustworthiness, and improves productivity. If you're able to resist impulses, you can make better, more thoughtful decisions, be more mindful of what you say and how you say it, and be able to imagine the consequences of your actions before you take them.

The ability to resist impulse determines how easy it will be for you to learn to behave differently or change an old habit. This is perhaps the single most important skill for growth and development.

As it turns out, this is one of the abilities that can be gained through meditation. But this is not easy to learn.

As I settled into my meditation pose that morning, my worries melted away. My mind was free of everything that had occupied it before the meditation began. I didn't notice anything except my breathing. Lightness appeared in my body, I felt peace.

For about four seconds.

For the time it takes to inhale and exhale. The next breath was enough for thoughts to flood my head again. I felt itching on my face and wanted to scratch it. I imagined a great title for my next book, and I felt the urge to write it down before I forgot it. I thought of at least four phone calls that needed to be made and one difficult conversation that was supposed to take place a little later. I became worried because I realized that I only had a few hours to devote to the book. So why on earth did I sit here? I wanted to open my eyes and look at the timer to see how much longer I had left to sit. I heard children arguing in the next room and wanted to intervene.

But here's the important thing: I wanted to do all of the above, but I didn't. Whenever one of these thoughts came to me, I would shift my focus back to my breathing.

Four seconds is enough to lose concentration, but it's also enough to regain concentration. Four seconds of inhalation and exhalation is all it takes to stop yourself from reacting unproductively automatically. Four seconds is all it takes to make more informed strategic choices that are more likely to get you closer to what you want.

Sometimes the problem is not doing what you want need to be done. For example, when you avoid an unpleasant conversation. But sometimes the problem is that you do what to do not worth it: talk instead of listening, play political games instead of staying above it.

Meditation teaches you to resist the urge to act unproductively.

Later I will talk about how it is easier and more reliable to create an environment that will help you achieve your goals than to rely on willpower. However, there are times when it pays to rely on good old self-control.

For example, it is useful when an employee makes a mistake and you are ready to yell at him, even though you know that it is much better - for him and for maintaining the morale of the whole team - to ask some leading questions and talk like reasonable, polite people. Or when you want to blurt something out at a business meeting, but you realize it's better to listen to others. Or when you want to buy or sell a stock based on emotion, even though analysts and your own research suggest it is unwise to do so. Or when you feel the urge to check your email every three minutes instead of concentrating on the task at hand.

Every time you meditate, you will be convinced that impulse is just one of the possible options. You have everything under control.

Does this mean that from now on you will never give in to impulse? Of course not. The impulses carry useful information. If you feel hungry, it may be a good sign that you need to eat, but it could also mean that you are bored or stuck in a difficult part of your work. Meditation teaches you to control impulses in order to consciously choose which ones to give in to and which ones not to give in to.

How should you meditate? If you're just starting out, the simpler the better.

Sit - on a chair or on the floor on a pillow - and straighten your back so that you can breathe easily, set a timer for the time you want to devote to meditation. Once the timer has started, close your eyes, relax and don't move - just breathe - until the alarm sounds. Focus on inhaling and exhaling. Every time a thought or impulse arises, give it a little attention and focus on your breathing again.

That's all. Simple, but difficult to do. Try it today – for five minutes. And repeat tomorrow.

Don't you have five minutes? Then let it be four seconds.

A four-second pause—just enough time to inhale and exhale—may be enough to reverse a bad decision and replace it with a better one.

Bregman P. 18 minutes. How to increase your concentration, stop being distracted and get things done that really matter. – M.: Mann, Ivanov and Ferber, 2014. Note translation The study is based on the famous 1960 marshmallow experiment conducted by Stanford University psychology professor Walter Michel with four-year-old children: www.ocf.berkeley.edu/~rascl/assets/pdfs/Berman et al., Nature Communications 2013.pdf. See also I. M. Eigsti, et al., “Predicting cognitive control from preschool to late adolescence and young adulthood,” Psychological Science 17 (2006): 478–84; W. Mischel, et al., “'Willpower' over the life span: decomposing self-regulation.” Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience 6 (2011): 252–56; W. Mischel, Y. Shoda, and M. L. Rodriguez, “Delay of gratification in children,” Science 244 (1989): 933–38; and Y. Shoda, W. Mischel, and P. K. Peake, “Predicting adolescent cognitive and self-regulatory competences from preschool delay of gratification – identifying diagnostic conditions,” Developmental Psychology 26 (1990): 978–86.

The Four Second Rule offers a recipe for replacing unproductive automatic decisions that suck up your time and energy with new habits that will save you time and give you energy.

Peter Bregman - About the author

Peter Bregman - management consultant. Peter began his career as a leadership teacher for mountaineering expeditions. Peter is the founder of the consulting company Bregman Partners, which advises managers of a variety of organizations: from large companies to startups.

The Four Second Rule - Book Review

Do you often find that you react to something that you think is correct, but in the end you get a completely different result? Surely you think that you wanted to do it better, but it turned out as always. This is due to automatic reactions, which cause us to react the same way in similar situations. By changing them, you will be able to do your work more productively, improve your relationships with others and begin to live more harmoniously.

4 seconds will come to your aid. Yes, yes! Just 4 seconds. This is the time it takes to inhale and exhale. During this period, you will be able to look at the situation from the outside and change your automatic reaction. Of course, it's not as simple as it seems. After all, it takes effort not to, for example, yell at a subordinate for his mistake, but to want to constructively evaluate what happened.

It is very difficult to breathe in and out during an argument, when you are irritated or even furious. But this is the first step towards getting rid of unproductive automatic reactions. Let's look at how to start making changes for the better.

Chapter 1. Meditate

We are all at the mercy of impulses. Someone starts shouting in an unpleasant situation, someone tries to get a word in with or without reason, someone is drawn to log into social networks every five minutes (“Has a new message arrived?”, “Has there been any interesting news?”) .

One of the most effective ways is meditation. It teaches impulse control. And the simpler it is, the better. For example, you can sit in a chair, set your alarm (after determining how much time you need), close your eyes, relax, and focus on your breathing. Try to meditate every time you feel the impulse. Even if you don't have at least five minutes, you can take four seconds to breathe in and out. This time may be enough to make a more informed decision and not follow impulses.

Chapter 2. Designating zones of concentration

It is believed that you need to set clear goals with a time frame for achieving them. But practice shows that this approach is not always productive. If we act within narrow limits, we often either do not see other possibilities, or we try to achieve the goal by all possible means.

But you can’t do without goals completely. The best way out here is to designate areas of concentration, that is, identify actions that need time. If the goal is the result, then the zone of concentration is the path. Of course, you can use two approaches. But the advantage of the concentration zone is that it is built in accordance with self-motivation, you will not have the desire to cheat in order to achieve the goal at any cost, you will be inclined to cooperate instead of fierce competition.

Determine for yourself several areas (no more than five) to which you would like to devote maximum time, and focus on them. Focus on the task, not the result, and you will be pleasantly surprised.

Chapter 3. Replacing motivation with action

The day before you decided to go to gym after work. Today comes, work time is coming to an end, and you say to yourself: “I worked too much, I’m tired, I’ll go to the gym next time, today I’d rather rest at home.” A familiar situation, isn't it?
Instead of conducting internal dialogues, promising yourself something, then arguing and looking for excuses, replace motivation with action. Motivation is about thinking, while action is about practice. Make a decision once, as if it were an axiom, and do not allow yourself to reflect on it, do not listen to your brain if it tries to dissuade you. The main thing is to start taking action.

Chapter 4. Getting rid of perfectionism

Often, when solving creative problems, we drop everything else and give ourselves a sufficient period of time to complete them. But productivity in this case is extremely low, because it is human nature to put things off until later: it seems that you have enough time, but by the end of the term you are tearing your hair out because the deadline has arrived and you have not done anything yet.
In this case there are two useful advice:

- under no circumstances allocate a lot of time specifically to solve one problem; on the contrary, you should be as busy as possible. In this case, you will have less time to build up and, moreover, you will not need to focus on only one task;

- change your expectations: excessive perfectionism often spoils our mood, because it seems as if we are not doing something perfectly enough. Take it for granted that this project is not the last in your life and that it does not have to be perfect. The main thing is that you do it with passion. It's important that you enjoy what you do. This is what people feel first.

Chapter 5. Trusting ourselves

We are used to constantly listening to family, teachers, boss and other people who think they know how to act. And we have to choose what we are told to choose. We adapt to others, to please them, to gain approval and recognition. Yes, sometimes it's worth taking other people's advice into account. However, you always need to be able to find a balance - so as not to lose your “I”, otherwise there is a risk of forgetting how to act independently and stop trusting your intuition.

Finally, stop constantly asking other people's opinions. Better meditate and hear your own thoughts. Learn to trust yourself, listen to what your intuition tells you. If the task you have to solve seems too difficult to you, before running to someone for advice, first sit down and realize what you yourself think about this, hear your inner voice.

Chapter 6. Accepting reality. Changing expectations

One of the main causes of stress is the gap between what is expected and what is actually done. And here there are two options: change either reality or expectations.
In principle, it is possible to change reality. For example, if a subordinate seems insufficiently competent to you, help him improve his skills. If this does not bring results, you can fire the person. However, practice shows that attempts to change reality do not always produce a tangible effect; more often than not, the situation becomes even more tense, and the stress level only increases.

So the best way is a change in expectations. Try to think globally. Create an imaginary scale from one to ten, where 10 is being in one of the Twin Towers on September 11, 9 is a serious incurable disease, 8 is imprisonment, etc. As a result, it turns out that all the situations that throw us off balance are at levels 1 and 2. Remember this when, for example, you are arguing with your provider because of problems with the Internet (after all, you could not finish watching an episode of your favorite series! What a tragedy !).

This does not mean that you need to put up with everything. However, remember that small problems are not worth your stress, they only accumulate and then lead to great stress. So if you can't change reality, change your attitude towards it.

Chapter 7. Making time for rituals

Rituals do not necessarily belong to the realm of religion. In this case, this is where our attention is directed. It is a way of concentrating on what you are about to do, such as starting a new work day, meeting, calling someone, etc.

Take a break for a few seconds, focus on what needs to be done, and feel respect for the work ahead. This will remind you every time to be respectful. You will enjoy your work more, perform your duties better and with greater diligence.

Chapter 8. Stop playing to the public. Let's experiment

We are accustomed to thinking that life is a performance. We spend energy judging others and thinking about how we are being evaluated. But treating life like a performance only causes stress. Therefore, it is much more productive to be open to experimentation, try, make mistakes, draw conclusions, try again. In this case, failures become only part of the journey, and not a painful blow. Adherents of the experiment strive to find out what will happen if... They are grateful to life for both positive and negative results.

A successful person is completely immersed in the experiment and understands that it can end either way, but then learns from it. When you play, success is usually short-lived, and the question always arises: “What's next?” But if you experiment, what matters to you is not the future result, but the present. Experimenters enjoy the process, they live life to the fullest, and are not constantly waiting for future success.

Remember that there are no bad results, the main thing is to draw the right conclusions and move on. Feel every moment, and life will be filled with new colors.

Chapter 9. Accepting boredom with gratitude

We are so used to occupying our minds with something extraneous, like a smartphone or tablet, that we don’t leave any time for thinking. If we suddenly have a free minute at work, we immediately rush to check our mail or likes on social networks. But in fact, boredom can be very useful, because in these moments we have time for creativity. Thoughts cling to one another, and as a result a great idea can be born. Remember how productive thoughts came to you while jogging, in the shower, or before bed.

Such moments are very important. At this time, our thoughts come into order and form into ideas. Therefore, do not rush to occupy every minute of your life with some kind of action, especially if you are solving a creative problem at this time in your life.

Chapter 10. Getting Rid of the Inner Critic

When we scold ourselves, we lose all desire to try again. It seems to us that nothing will work out again, we reproach ourselves for every small mistake, we stop taking risks and experimenting, and as a result, our productivity drops.

But being hard on yourself is not best solution. After all, only love and a friendly attitude towards yourself help you achieve greater success. If a person is happy with himself and confident in himself, he sets more serious goals and knows that failure will not break him.

When we criticize ourselves, we waste our time. Of course, it would be ideal if someone constantly supported and praised us. But you need to start with yourself first. Listen to your inner voice, don't focus on failures, do something else. And in those moments when you have achieved something, on the contrary, focus on it. Analyze what exactly led to success and congratulate yourself. Gradually your confidence will increase and you will love yourself even more.

This does not mean that you will become arrogant. No, insecure people are arrogant, this is their defense mechanism. And the one who loves and values himself will not demonstrate superiority towards others. People will feel your love and kindness, and thus your relationships with others will change for the better.

Chapter 11. Preparing for the worst

When we are afraid of something and are unsure of ourselves, we try to delay the future, be it a conversation with our boss or a presentation of a project. Visualization will help you here. Close your eyes and imagine the worst possible outcome (for example, that the presentation failed miserably, you were criticized to smithereens and deprived of your bonus), feel this state as acutely as possible, feel your heartbeat and experience disappointment. And after that, open your eyes and exhale. You've just been through the worst. You passed this test, which means it will be better in the future.

This approach will help perfectionists who put things off for later because they are afraid of not doing everything perfectly. This method reduces the fear of failure, and also with its help you play out possible scenarios in your imagination and understand what is worth doing and what is not, and thereby you visualize success.

Chapter 12. We act according to circumstances

If you find yourself in a situation where you need to quickly make a decision in conditions of uncertainty, take a short break (walk around the office or go to the restroom for a minute). This time is enough to avoid making a hasty decision.

There is no need to lament or adjust the old plan to the new situation. Imagine the result you want to get based on current conditions. Evaluate your options. Make the best decision at the moment and move on. No matter how much you plan ahead, force majeure always happens and changes occur. Therefore, the ability to act in unforeseen situations is a huge plus.

Chapter 13. Strengthening relationships

In pursuit of a career, many people ignore friendly relationships at work, which is fundamentally wrong, because friendly relationships are the key to success. Consider the following tips to help you communicate successfully:

- Look for a source of inspiration in other people, instead of focusing on their shortcomings;
- do not write off those people who once let you down or showed themselves to be not the best the best side. People tend to change, in the future they can provide you with invaluable help;
- if you feel that an argument is brewing, it is better to leave. If this is unavoidable, change tactics and start listening to your opponent instead of arguing furiously with him;
- don't make excuses. If you did something wrong, admit your guilt, thereby you will show that you always take responsibility, and this is a trait of a strong personality;
- don’t expect people to behave the way you want. Instead, change your approach to people according to how they behave;
- when the situation gets out of control, do not be led by your emotions. First, look at the situation from the outside, calm down your negative emotions and only then say;
— with new acquaintances, you should not advertise your brainchild (for example, a business or project) from the first minutes; tell about yourself without any masks. Open up to people, let them believe in you;
— if you are constantly being given the responsibility of others, set boundaries: determine what is important to you and what is not; say “no” to the request, not the person, and always explain the reason; if the person continues to insist, still be adamant; don’t be afraid to miss something (refusal does not mean a lost opportunity, but a compromise, because in this case you will have time for more important things);
- show empathy, show people that you believe in them;
- sincerely thank people. It will be better if you note not only the merits to the company, but also the personal qualities of the person. This will give him an incentive to continue to prove himself;
- when you are attacked, instead of defending yourself, ask questions - this way you can find out the reason for the incorrect behavior of your interlocutor and there is a high probability that the situation will be resolved peacefully.

Chapter 14: Optimizing Work Habits

We often spend at work, if not half of our lives, then a third – that’s for sure. That’s why it’s so important to create a friendly atmosphere around yourself.
Do not give free rein to your emotions - in an unpleasant situation it is better to be alone for some time, comprehend what is happening and only then make a decision. You don’t want your colleagues to think you’re hysterical or crazy, do you? Don't compare yourself to others - this is a dead end. Remember that each person is an individual. Everyone has their own skills, abilities, goals, positive and negative sides, character traits and personality traits. Focus on your strengths and help others develop their best qualities.

Take it for granted that everything changes, including ourselves, so approaches should not remain unchanged either. However, do not confuse commitment to the result (becoming a good husband and father, leading a healthy lifestyle, making your business successful) and commitment to the means by which you will achieve this result. Determine when you need to review your tools. Just as you shouldn’t think that they should be unchanged, you shouldn’t constantly worry whether you’re doing everything right now. Just set a deadline for when you need to re-evaluate, and in the meantime, proceed as you intended.

That morning, as I always do in the morning, I sat on a pillow on the floor, crossed my legs, put my hands on my knees, closed my eyes and breathed for twenty minutes - and nothing more.

They say the hardest thing about meditation is finding time for it. And this makes sense. Who has time to do nothing these days? It is difficult to justify such an activity.

Meditation provides many benefits: it renews, helps us understand what is happening to us, makes us wiser and calmer, helps us not to go crazy in a world that feeds us with information and connections, and much more. If you lack a business case for devoting time to meditation, how about this: Meditation makes you more productive.

How? Strengthening your ability to resist distracting impulses.

The ability to resist impulse determines how easy it will be for you to learn to behave differently or change an old habit. This is perhaps the single most important skill for growth and development.

As it turns out, this is one of the abilities that can be gained through meditation. But this is not easy to learn.

For about four seconds.

But here's the important thing: I wanted to do all of the above, but I didn't. Whenever one of these thoughts came to me, I would shift my focus back to my breathing.

Meditation teaches you to resist the urge to act unproductively.

Every time you meditate, you will be convinced that impulse is just one of the possible options. You have everything under control.

Does this mean that from now on you will never give in to impulse? Of course not. Impulses carry useful information. If you feel hungry, this may be a good sign that you need to eat, but it may also indicate that you are bored or stuck in a difficult part of work. Meditation teaches you to control impulses in order to consciously choose which ones to give in to and which ones not to give in to.

How should you meditate? If you're just starting out, the simpler the better.

That's all. Simple, but difficult to do. Try it today – for five minutes. And repeat tomorrow.

Don't you have five minutes? Then let it be four seconds.

A four-second pause—just enough time to inhale and exhale—may be enough to reverse a bad decision and replace it with a better one.

Why did the Pinto explode?

New look for goal setting

"Sofia! Daniel! Isabel! – I shouted across the apartment to the children playing in their room. – The school bus will arrive in ten minutes. Who can brush their teeth the fastest and be ready to go?”

They rushed to the bathroom, giggling. Two minutes later, Daniel was at the door, slightly ahead of Sofia, with Isabella appearing right after them. I smiled, pleased with my victory. I achieved my goal: the kids brushed their teeth and got ready to leave in record time.

Or is this not a victory at all?

Yes, they left the house on time. But the two minutes it took them to do this meant they brushed their teeth hastily, clearly didn't floss, and left a terrible mess in the bathroom.

We all know how important it is to have goals. Yes, not just any goals, but “big arrogant goals”, or BHAGs, as they are called in certain circles.

There is a rational grain in this: if you do not know exactly what you are striving for, then you will not achieve anything. And if you don't set the bar high enough, you'll never reach your potential.

In the business world, goal setting is a basic, generally accepted principle, reinforced by scientific research like the one conducted among Harvard MBA graduates in 1979. Perhaps you've heard of him. Only three percent of graduates were able to clearly formulate their goals. Ten years later, the success of the experiment participants among these three percent was ten times higher than that of the rest of the group. Impressive, right?

Yes, if that were really the case. But no. No such study exists. This is just a common myth.

This story may be a hoax, but doubting the importance of setting ambitious goals is the same as doubting the very foundations of business. You can argue about what goals to set or how exactly to set them, but who would argue that this is not worth doing at all?

When bad habits show up in good people

Book about the 4 second rule: Peter Bregman

The 4 Second Rule Book: The Four Second Rule and the Freedom Pause

The 4 second rule in communication: an example from the book

How not to be distracted by packaging in communication: the 4-second rule

Author of the book: Peter Bregman

Book The Four Second Rule (Peter Bregman) - MYTH - download

Book about the 4 second rule: share on social networks!

Read the best materials from a happiness psychologist on this topic!

* * *

This book is well complemented by:

Introduction

When bad habits show up in good people

Four seconds to a good habit

The Birth of a New Habit

Part one Change automatic settings

1Four seconds Pause. Inhale. Change of course

Peter Bregman - About the author

The Four Second Rule - Book Review

Chapter 1. Meditate

Chapter 2. Designating zones of concentration

Chapter 3. Replacing motivation with action

Chapter 4. Getting rid of perfectionism

Chapter 5. Trusting ourselves

Chapter 6. Accepting reality. Changing expectations

Chapter 7. Making time for rituals

Chapter 8. Stop playing to the public. Let's experiment

Chapter 9. Accepting boredom with gratitude

Chapter 10. Getting Rid of the Inner Critic

Chapter 11. Preparing for the worst

Chapter 12. We act according to circumstances

Chapter 13. Strengthening relationships

Chapter 14: Optimizing Work Habits

Part one
Change automatic settings

1
Four seconds
Pause. Inhale. Change of course